SEATING ARRANGEMENTS FOR A PIPE BAND BUS TRIP

by Michael Dorosh

PIPE MAJOR

Naturally enough, he sits at the front of the bus to the right of the driver so his view of the road is unobstructed (to keep the illusion that he is really in charge and that he knows where the bus actually is).  He is too good to bother sitting with any of his lowly minions, and the seat beside him will be taken up by his briefcase, sword, dirk, music book collection, room assignments, schedules, tune lists, pad of blank music manuscript paper (one never knows when inspiration will strike), and his expensive bagpipes (which are far too valuable to put in the cargo container).  He will show cursory interest in the goings on at the back of the bus by shooting dirty looks at the Lead Drummer.  The Pipe Major knows deep down that he would never fit in back there, and proves it occasionally by foraying rearwards and engaging in random conversations about last years Worlds, how much he likes haggis, and inviting the Junior Pipers to come up and practice that 2/4 on the chanter one last time with him.

PIPE SERGEANT

If the Band doesnt have a Drum Major, the Pipe Sergeant will sit immediately behind the driver, otherwise, he will be two or three seats back.  Spends most of the time looking at the Pipe Majors seat, and picturing himself there.  More cordial than the Pipe Major to his fellow pipers, but he is as ill-adjusted socially.  May attempt to court drummers favor (because he knows that when he's Pipe Major they'll have to be on his side) by turning backwards and bobbing his head in line to the loud music blaring from the back of the bus.  May also engage in random conversation, but on a wider variety of topics.

JUNIOR PIPERS

Too new or too inexperienced to talk to the Senior Pipers, and unwilling to risk rejection by trying to talk to the drummers, the Junior Pipers sit in the middle of the bus, usually in groups of two.  They try to fit in by ignoring conversations regarding bagpipes, and try to show the Senior Pipers how cool and well rounded they are by bring tin whistles, Nintendo games, harmonicas, and various magazines onto the bus.  It almost never works, and they are treated like pariahs by Senior Pipers who are under the illusion that they were never geeks like that when they first joined.

SENIOR PIPERS

These are the veterans of the band, who sit just in front of the drummers, towards the back of the bus, and cast wary looks at the Pipe Major and Pipe Sergeants.  Naturally, they dont envision themselves capable of the levels of despotism shown by the Pipe Major and Pipe Sergeants, Occasionally they will engage in conversation with the side drummers in an effort to convince themselves that the politics of being a piper are meaningless to them.  Senior Pipers complain a lot how poorly run the band is, and how the tunes they play suck compared to the ones they would have selected, had they been given a say.